I don’t know about you, but if you’ve ever gone through a time when you felt distant from God, or that your spiritual life just simply wasn’t where you knew it could be/ought to be, then you’ll understand that it’s not really a nice feeling/season to experience.
Today I pray that the honesty in this post will inspire you to no longer be content with wandering away from God, and instead pick up your bible again, and have a spiritually nourishing meal with the King!
It’s been a weird few months in terms of spirituality for me, and for the longest time, I told myself I didn’t know why. I walked around content with not knowing why things felt different, and I embraced a false perception that grace would bring me back on track.
Don’t get me wrong, grace has the power to do so many things, but in this case, God showed me that intentionality (coupled with the grace to realise it) was what I needed.
I’ll walk you through what happened today…
I was adamant that I would post today. I was adamant that I would get back on track with the work of God – this work of God, this ministry, my baby that He gave me… Therefore I typed and started this post in a few different ways, but I still kept feeling the same block that had stopped me from posting in so long.
I’d pause a moment, then start typing again. I wasn’t entirely sure of the topic, but I knew it would be natural to discuss the season that I’m just coming out of.
However, it still wasn’t flowing right.
So stop. And start again.
Prior to today, I had attempted to post about three times before, on random days, but the flow just wasn’t there, because something just wasn’t right.
The difference today however, was that I wasn’t taking no for an answer.
This time, I was serious, and I believe God saw that, felt that, and thus released His voice onto me.
What I intended to do with this post, was to not seem as irresponsible with my spiritual life, as I personally feel I have been in the past few months.
So I wanted to let you know that, yes, I’ve experienced a weird block/silence/poor connection with God, but I wanted to make it seem like it was God-ordained… But that would have been a lie.
Like I said, I restarted this post a few times, and in the takes that didn’t make it, what I tried to do was scheme, and think of ways to make this whole quiet season sound as artistic as possible, as scripturally-inclined as possible, and basically pull the wool over your eyes so you didn’t know the raw simple truth about it…
Which is this:
In the past few months, I haven’t prayed enough/properly (according to what I believe God deserves from me).
I haven’t spent enough time just sitting and chatting with God.
I’ve been too lazy to dedicate quality time to learn more about God’s word, through reading my bible or listening to sermons.
Instead, I’ve spent most of the hours of my day on social media, or better still, playing this one particular game on my phone (that even my family have noticed is becoming ridiculous)!
I’ve allowed myself to become less bothered about truly wanting to desire God more, and have become content in believing the lie that ‘it’ll come back when the time is right’.
So simply put, I wanted to dress up the words in this post in a way that wouldn’t blatantly call my own self out as the one to blame for how my walk with God has been these past few months…
Thus, I still tried to write the cover-up, but of course, I still had a block.
But then I cried…
Because it really hurt to not be able to easily do what I enjoyed so much.
Yes, literally, cried out to God like a baby, tears ‘n’ all, and told Him that I refuse to have this ‘block’.
Told Him that I refuse to ever be lost for words when it comes to sharing His word.
Told Him that I refuse to ever see the day when the gift of writing and the flow of His speech to me whilst writing, ceases.
And in my cry I heard Him say
He reminded me that the name of this ministry is and remains ‘Untainted Word’, and so even if the word is difficult to swallow (for readers), or difficult to write (for myself and future writers on the team), it must still always be His pure word, as He inspires it.
A poetic lie would have only kept me hostage in the same block that for so long I had tried to make ‘part of God’s plan’, when really it was as a result of my own actions and decisions.
God made me realise that a lack of transparency in this word would fail to serve the purpose that He intended for today’s post.
In me trying to protect a ‘perfect’ image of what a ministry leader/worship leader’s relationship with God should be like, I would have deprived many of you, as well as myself, of the opportunity to learn that our strive for perfection and excellence with God, does not need to be perfect!
Today God required me to call myself out on my mistakes (as you see above) and be frank with myself.
And if you’re reading this feeling like you’ve been experiencing an oddness in your spiritual life, then God is asking you to do the same too!
Please note, He’s not asking you to beat yourself up, or fill yourself with guilt, but all He requires is that you search yourself, and be real enough to identify that thing/those things that you have (knowingly/unknowingly) used to block Him out.
Once we’ve found the things that steal away our attention away from the cross, then we can begin to put them before God and ask Him to enable us to no longer make these things idols in our lives.
Once identified, we can ask God for the will and desire to proactively choose Him, over these things, every time that choice needs to be made.
Once we can be real enough to own up that it’s actually some of the things or people we have come to love most, that are distracting us from pressing in deeper with God, then we’ll be able to ask Him to remove them, and replace them with the right desire to honour, serve, and please Him wholeheartedly.
The bottom line is, we need to stop and search for the issue from within.
The longer we walk around thinking that a time like this ‘is meant to be’, or ‘sent from God’, then the more open we leave ourselves to gradually be more and more consumed with the things of the world, rather than pursuing the things of God’s heart!
I know it seems harsh to point at ourselves and say ‘You’re the problem!’
But we’ve got to remember that we serve a flawless God, therefore when we find ourselves so deep in the wilderness, and so far in a season of silence, we must be courageous to be intentional about finding our way back to Him.
God would never opt to have time away from us, therefore it is our responsibility to search out the ways in which we have pushed ourselves away from Him.
In all things, remember that God is love, and even in the ‘block’ – His love and grace will still be active over you, as long as you can believe it and receive it.
Congrats on finding your way back, and cheers to sticking with Him from here on out.
Keep the Faith, Don’t Stop Believing
God Bless you.
One thought on “The Journey Back”
I can relate! Kinda going through this now actually, but God is teaching me too that just being honest and searching myself is the only way to truly lift the “block”.
Thanks for being real, we appreciate you xxx